I'm so tired right now. Tired of thinking, of crying, of being left like this. Being by myself all the time and shutting everyone out. But that's just me I guess.

I'm really lonely right now. And all I can think of that would make me feel better is that if Paan comes back to me and forgives me for what I've done. I would kill to go back and do things differently, maybe if I wasn't as much of the asshole I am things would've ended up differently. Everything's my fault like it's always been my whole life. Like I can't help but being a bitch to everyone and fucking everything up for myself.

I just want you back so badly right now baby. :'(

I'll never forget what you've done for me. And I'll always treasure the past. I'm not saying what I'm doing is right or wrong, it just is, and I can't explain it. But you have every right to be furious at me, I'll understand. Just don't put the blame on yourself, or others, just put the blame on me. Cause it is my fault. It's all my fault. And I hope you forgive me one day, and know that I never once took advantage of you or thought of you as any less than the best-est of friends that anyone could ever have. I mean that.

Again, I'm really sorry Man, and I hope you'll understand.

Loverboy and I are making this huge decision to move in together. He seems pretty calm about it but I'm kind of freaked out.

We went to browse Ikea today. He says he wants to get a sofabed to save space in his room especially when he does his assignments. I suggested maybe we get a bunkbed and make the space below as a study/work area for him. Either way there are pros and cons lah kan. He kept pressuring me with all these questions and I felt even worse about things. I'm not really sure what I'm feeling at the moment.

I really hope everything's gonna turn out alright. I hate feeling this way.

Last night I was sitting at home alone, minding my own business. Thinking about a lot of things. Haven't been having a clear head lately but I'd rather not mention why. All the sudden Paan shows up and surprises me. I thought I wouldn't be seeing him till Monday. Even without saying so, I could tell he was moody but it wasn't towards me. I was moody but I didn't want to bother him seeing as he seemed a little off himself.

So I laid in bed quietly while he did his own thing. I started tearing and he noticed. He asked me what was wrong and I kept quiet. After a while he switched off the lights and started kissing me softly and holding me. He kept asking me what was wrong and I didn't wanna say anything. He held me closer and I cried even worse. At one point he kissed my lips and there was string of snot connecting our noses, he went all "Eeeeeeww!", and I started giggling. He knew I wasn't gonna mention why so he just let it go, and hugged me even tighter. I fell asleep on his chest, crying my eyes out, and smiling at the same time.

I can't exactly describe how I felt at that moment, laying down on him while he hugged me as if he was never gonna let go. But try picture it yourself and I guess you'll get why I even bothered to type this out.

Today pulak, I'm all smiles. Heee.

few of many reasons I love...

# Just bought me another Thursday t-shirt and it's awesome. It's brown and has reddish-pinkish doves all over. So awesome. :D
# Has little or no interests in things like blogs, twitter, facebook, etc. although he has them all, he hardly even logs in or updates, and only goes online for music. Although I wish he'd come chat with me once in a while when he's at his house or something.
# Doesn't like sports. At all.
# Is a sexy man who's good at art, not to mention how hardworking he is when it comes to it. He even ditches me to finish up his assignments. (He's studying Fine Art)
# Bought that purple t-shirt cause I like purple and I have the exact same colour. We tacky like that.

LOVE! ♥

As usual he would hate taking photos but I'd take them anyway. They were taken a few days back. It was raining that morning and I forgot my sweater, so I took his, (Plus, you know, which girlfriend doesn't love their boyfriend's scent? Hell we don't give two shits about our nice smelling clothes, we prefer our own lovers' smelly masamness instead!) and I could tell he was freezing but he let me have it anyway. I'm spoiled like that. ;)

I loved these past few days we spent together. We stayed at his parents' place for a few days. He would do his assignments while I watched AFC, we cooked proper meals instead of eating out, talked and talked and joked around a lot. It was just lovely.

Soundwave just released their 2nd (most probably but hopefully not!) announcement and I'm stoked!!

So on 20th February 2010, I will be with my one and only loverboy, watching these great bands:

PLACEBO
THE GET UP KIDS
SUNNY DAY REAL ESTATE
TAKING BACK SUNDAY
ALEXISONFIRE
AFI
A DAY TO REMEMBER
EMAROSA
DANCE GAVIN DANCE
THE ALMOST
MAXIMUM THE HORMONE
ENTER SHIKARI
ESCAPE THE FATE
MOTION CITY SOUNDTRACK

COMEBACK KID
THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA

And these are only the ones I am and/or Paan is actually looking forward to. Loads more bands though. I'm so excited! This is gonna be the first time going to a proper music festival, and I really can't fucking wait! It's gonna be so awesome! :)

But for now, I can't believe that it's only a few weeks away from:

La Quiete bitch!!! :D

Haven't been posting so I thought I'd share a few latest photos. Courtesy of Li. :)

the boy I can never stop talking about, or to.

It's been a week since our 1st year. Haven't got the time to properly go out and spend time with each other cause it was the same day as Raya. I haven't even seen him since Wednesday. I really miss him. We hardly spend this much time apart and I know that sounds pathetic but that's just the way we are; the loveydoveymushygushy kind of couple. And we don't get sick of it, really.

"Being in a relationship" is tough, or so they say, and all my friends know very well that I'm not good at keeping up with that. But when I'm with Paan it's just so easy. And honestly, he's my best friend. I don't have a girl friend I talk to all the time and tell stupid stories or when I get juicy gossip or have actual conversations with. It's always with him. I don't feel like I have to talk to him, I talk to him cause it comes naturally. And he listens to me, even when I'm being stupid. I've never been with or even met a guy who can tolerate me like that. Someone who actually layans me like that. Even when I'm being the biggest of bitches, he bothers to pujuk me and try be silly and ends up putting a big smile on my face.

That's the best part of having him as my boyfriend. He's perfect for me. And I love him so much for that. :)

Happy 1 year and a week baby! Hehe.

Raya was all good times and fun which sadly came to an end after only two days. After that, back to reality; no college, the job hasn't started, no money to go out and do anything, no boyfriend around due to him visiting his family here and there. So as usual I'm stuck at home eating instant noodles, processed meats, and/or canned goods while catching up on Weeds, How I Met Your Mother, and Gossip Girl.

I can't stand any other person who keeps complaining about their college or job when the minute they're having a break they say they miss it and are bored. Get your head out of your asses, people, slacking isn't the best feeling in the world. I'd rather much have a million assignments to finish up rather than having a headache from too much sleep.

Indeed, life is boring. Sigh.