Hari ni aku rasa sedih lagi. Terlalu sedih. I don't have cash to continue my studies rupanya, and when I asked my parents, they put up excuses. Stupid ass excuses.

So, I'm pretty upset lah kan. I mean, who the fuck wants to go educationless for the rest of their lives? I've never wanted to upset my parents in any way, especially my Mummy. I wanted to make her proud for so long now. Tapi now I terfikir, diorang pulak tak malu ke? Kalau anak tak study? Kalau anak tak dapat even a stupid diploma? Kalau malu, just fucking cough up the cash lah? Bukannya susah, Segi tak mahal. Tapi soal trust tu, memang bodoh. I'm obviously paying for my college, I'm not asking for money just so I can spend it for my selfish needs. Cmon la I'm not that kind of person.

Tapi takpe, I'm not gonna let this get to me this time. I'm just gonna walk in to college tomorrow, register but delay payment, probably apply for a student loan(been meaning to ask, can I do this without their consent?). Biarlah diorang spend on their own things like a MacBook Pro or a Canon D40&new lenses.... cause having a kid is so expensive, sapa tanak spend their own money on their own things kan?

p/s Aku tak sedap hati dengar Shuz tak dapat loan dia lagi and can't return to college yet? I miss her forever and a day, tapi I don't like the fact that she can sort of relate to this problem. But money's on the way love, and (hopefully) our new place? <3

a little list but less dork.

I think I should really either fix Cody, or get a new compact. Sven is amazing but bulky, and I've thought of selling him off to get one new compact but I have too much love and trust for Sven so that's out of the picture. But, getting a new camera is almost out of the picture cause my parents are broke like that and I don't even have enough cash to get by eating for a week.

I've also been thinking about a new phone cause my phone's a little retarded and cause I'm mengada like that. Paan has plans on getting me a new phone but I refuse to take his offer cause phones are expensive yo especially the ones I want.

Lastly, I've been wanting to shop for clothes cause I have nothing else but my favourite black shorts which are becoming a little loose around my butt and waist and a bunch of plain t-shirts I keep wearing over and over again. Hence, I look so boring all the time.

All this money I want and nowhere to get it? Sucks when your parents don't listennn.

just us vs all the others.

I was texting Paan last night, and started tearing. But these were tears of joy. I was telling him how I can't wait for his holidays, and that I wish he wasn't so busy so we can spend more time together(as if it's not enough kan). But really, I miss him so much.

The hopeless romantic deep down inside me came out last night, and I was telling him how I wished we could just run away just the two of us, away from everyone and everything we know, backpacking in Europe and meeting new people, for the first and last time, or just settling down in Paris or something, he'll be an artist and I can make arsty french films no one watches, we'll live in a loft and just be together all day.
Though in reality, financially, logically, religion-wise, etc., that ain't gonna happen and we all know it. But instead of slapping me in the face with a statement like that, he replied, "Just give it time k sayang, mana tau in a few years we'll still be together, we'll be working and can go on our own holiday. :-)"

I ignored every single stupid "rule", and went on with telling him that I hope we'll still be together, and I mean forever. Cause that's just how strongly I feel for him, and I'm not afraid to say it.

Lately I've been feeling pretty sad, I don't know how to explain it. And I don't know who to talk to about it. I just sit at home and cry; when I'm online chatting with friends, when I'm having lunch alone at home, when I'm playing with Princess Sirap, etc.
I cry and cry and eventually fall asleep. But I dislike crying in front of people, cause it makes me feel pathetic, and I wouldn't want them to feel uncomfortable.

I don't know why I do this, but it happens sometimes. It's happened before. When it does, I just pack some clothes and run away to a friend's house. Even my parents know this very well, that I disappear once in a while. Most of those times it's been with Li. She's been super patient with me all these years, letting me sleep on her bed while she crashes on the floor, cooked me pasta once while I was asleep and heated it up the minute I woke up, made me coffee and talked non-stop in the balcony of her previous apartment. I guess one thing about her is that she comforts me in a motherly way, as a companion, instead of someone who's looking to problem solve. But I don't want to go to her anymore, I've been too much of a hassle. I have to stop this habit, but I don't know what else I can do.

I had Paan over today and I had no idea what to say to him. He seemed reluctant to come over, but I made him do so anyway. I didn't want to talk about why, but I just needed a hug, the warmth of his body. It calmed me down yet made me cry even worse. When he asked what was wrong I couldn't say. Times like these I don't want to talk to anyone about it, and at the same time I don't really know what's wrong to begin with. But he was patient, and let me cry myself to sleep yet again. I woke up about an hour after and felt better. He didn't bring it up, and I'm glad that we always ignore whatever awkward moments that happen.

I don't even know why I'm posting this. I'm not looking for pity or advise, but I guess I just need something to keep me busy, no one's awake or free at 7.30 in the morning somehow.

my occasional 'I WANT' list.

Things I want reaaaally badly right now(and I'm in the midst of getting them! Cause I'm stubborn like that):

1. Napoleon Dynamite action figure 12" - Napoleon wearing his prom suit and he talks too! Says things like;

• "This one gang kept wanting me to join 'cause I am pretty good with a bo staff"
• "Gosh such an idiot"
• "So you got my back and everything"
• "So me and you are pretty much friends by now, right?"
• "It took me like three hours to finish the shading on your upper lip"
• "Sweet

2. Frank the bunny action figure 12" - From the movie Donnie Darko. Talking figure by the NECA series. Removable mask, changable with human Frank's face. Phrases:

• "Why are you wearing that stupid man suit?"
• "I can show you the way".
• "Wake up, Donnie."
• "I can do anything I want. So can you."
• "Don't worry....you got away with it."
• "They're in great danger."
• "Do you believe in time travel?"

3. V For Vendetta 12" talking action figure. Apparently he says;

• "Remember, remember the 5th of November, the gunpowder treason and plot. I know of no reason why the gunpowder treason should ever be forgot."

• "Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin van-guarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it's my very good honor to meet you and you may call me ‘V.'"

4. Resident Evil Beanie. It's red and has a Crimson Head zombie on it. Fucking cantik I'll have a zombie to distract people from my ugly hair!

5. Can't say at the moment, but I just want to list it down anyway. I'm so excited about this, fingers crossed that everything for this little "project" works out. I'm sooo wanting this sooo badly!

Anyways, if you think my list is mengada, you should see Paan's list of toys. What can I say, I finally found the perfect boy to be a complete movie nerd with! :)

Fucking love Mohd Farhan yaw!

MOMMY CAT WANTS A HOME!

Someone please take this cat back home? Lyanna (Na) and I found it last night at Mamak Bistro at SS14 Subang. It didn't look like it belonged with the other stray cats, a little lost, very pretty, and mysterious pink hair. Na is a regular at Bistro and hasn't seen it either, so we concluded that she must be abandoned (either because she's pregnant, or... the incident that made her head pink).

Her markings are super pretty; light sandy cocoa and white, with darker tail and ears, blue blue eyes, pink nose and feet. When we took her back to Na's place, she recognized the sound of cat food, and seems to be super domesticated. She's really friendly, has a light meow, and I think would be the perfect kind of cat to watch DVDs with. I'm guessing she'd also make really pretty babies. I would guess about 3 to 4 kittens in there, because her stomach isn't that big for a cat so pregnant.

Na loves her, but can only keep her for a few more nights max, since her college-student apartment isn't really geared out for a cat right now (let alone a pregnant one). If you know anyone who's interested, please email or call me (dizzyfirefly, gmail) or Na (faultyelectronics, gmail).

edit: I forgot to say that I'm willing to deliver the cat to you if you want it (and its future babies), depending on where you are. She's very clean, but I would also recommend it take a trip to your favourite vet for checkup just in case.

edit to my edit: its (healthy) head isn't hot pink, just the fur on it is. Probably a freak sirap incident.

Source: http://bit.ly/pinkcat

(Since I'm too lazy to type the same thing all over again.)

Note: this cat is the most clingy little kitty ever. Mengada and needy, but not in an annoying way at all. It's best that the future owner, unlike myself, has no allergies towards cats. She requires lots of attention and loving, and body contact! Hehe. She loves sleeping on laps, and gets a little lonely if no one sits with her or pats her now and then . Cmon, she loves cuddling! How much more perfect can a cat get?? I personally would love keeping her, but I can't give her the attention she needs. I hope whoever is interested in her would love cuddling up with her, and even sleep with her at nights. She seems to like that a lot. :)

dah 9 months ke? damn!

(Lama I tak camwhore dengan phone camera!)

I had a great time last night, and it's been a while since I spent so much so carelessly, plus we haven't gone out like this in months so it was fun. Hehe.

So we went for dinner at this awesome little steakhouse I found nearby my apartment, it's called Buffalo Steakhouse. I've been telling all my friends about this! Imagine this set; bun&butter, soup of the day, 6 main courses to choose from like lamb chops/chicken chops,/fish&chips/cordon bleu steak/etc., dessert and a drink, all for RM16.90. And is it worth is? Fuck yes! Everything we ate was soooo good and the portions are very generous! We couldn't even finish everything last night.

And after that, with our stuffed bellies, we went over to Pyramid to watch Drag Me To Hell for the second time. We both really like that movie lah. I think it's really good. Go watch it if you haven't! After the movie went for coffee at Starbucks and talked so much, and macam teringat why I fell in love with him in the first place. I know that sounds cheesy, but seriously. I can't explain it in words, but I feel the exact same way everytime I have a proper conversation with Paan. I like the way he's so passionate about the things he likes(you hardly find that in guys these days :) ) and listening to him talk about himself, his experiences, his interests... I just get so fascinated over him and the fact that I've honestly never met anyone like that before. Hehehe.
So after coffee and everything, we went back and since we both felt like it, we watched Evil Dead 2 sebab semangat Sam Raimi horror films jyeah! And I fell asleep right after haha.

I've really never felt this way for someone before.

I LOVE YOU MOHD FARHAN! :)

R.I.P Spencer.

The other day while I was waiting for my movie to start(Drag Me To Hell agak best, if you're a Sam Raimi fan. None of that Spiderman shit though, I'm talking the Evil Dead series!) I went to possibly one of my favourite shops in Summit, Creepy Creatures. A pet store with all those exotic pets and stuff. I was talking to the uncle who owns the shop, who, by the way, has the most adorable cat ever! A huge black persian with huge orange eyes and jumps onto anyone who's willing to lend their lap. Fucking manja I damn like!

Anyways, I was talking to him about Spencer my late scorpion, and he told me that it would've possibly caught a virus. Apparently that happens a lot, and that they can catch it through the bugs they eat and things like that. Either that or that we bought an unhealthy scorpion. I also found out that the uncle specializes in these things and that he catches scorpions himself. Cool gila uncle tu. And I was disappointed sebab the snake I wanted to get is already owned. Damnit lah that snake is fucking sexy.

Okay I keep getting off topic. Point is, I'm kinda sad that Spencer died. Kesian gila wei kena virus and it has no way of telling us that it's sick, unlike cats and dogs who can meow or bark, and there's no way to cure it in the first place. Takkan aku nak bawak scorpion pegi vet, confirm kena gelak. Sigh. I was really attached to the damn thing. Honestly, if you met him, he's the cutest, most goofy scorpion ever. Sayangnya dah mati. But I'm definitely never gonna replace him, never ever getting a replacement scorpion. EVER.

R.I.P Spencer baby. :'(